Advice I Don’t Advise

Now that I am on “long runs” again, I have so many minutes to think. Yesterday I was thinking about phrases I hear often and cringe when I hear them. Let’s call it “advice I would never advise” anyone to take AND WHY.

1. Enjoy life while you’re care free in high school. OR You have no responsibilities BUT school while you’re young…..

   WHY? As a person that did NOT LOVE high school…… no. All of my worries and anxiety stem FROM high school.

   BETTER: Adult life is amazing if you make the choice to get up every day and love life. You need to make good choices every day you wake up, give your best, and build an adult life that is 1000X better than your high school life.

   I saw someone post the other day, “Why are students late to school. They have no responsibilities BUT to come to school.” Ehhhhh….. you don’t know someone’s whole story. Chill.

2. Follow your heart.

   WHY: Absolutely not. My heart told me some crazy things. (Most while in high school.) Your heart wants you to live in the moment. No. I don’t ever tell Calla to “follow her heart.” Your heart is full of emotion and will cause you to react in the moment. My heart wants me to yell back at bleacher coaches and Facebook coaches.

   BETTER: Read your Bible, ask God, and seek advice from someone you trust. Follow that guidance.

   I probably gave this advice and thought it was great advice until I became closer to Jesus (in my adult life. Far away from high school.)

3. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

   WHY: OH YES YOU CAN. You can do hard things. You can keep going. You have to in some seasons. I’ve found myself with an empty cup, breaking the cup, and handing out pieces of the cup. Then I bring it back to solid ground. I assure you, you can pour from an empty cup when needed.

   What advice would you not advise others to take?

Is This How It Goes?

At the start of the 2024 school year I made a promise to myself that I was going to start my day in a way that supported peace and mental health. Our church had been focused on “you could be doing all of the right things, and not in the Bible, so nothing really matters.” Oh how I felt this. I was living my best life. I was “healthy”, “happy”, and “thriving.” Something was missing.

I am a big believer in NOT complaining about anything until I have done everything within my power to change the situation. I wrote “Give Yourself Less to Complain About” and I truly stand by it. So before I went down the “what is wrong with me” spiral, I went to the Bible. Couldn’t hurt, right?

I have done many devotionals. I have been a part of so many Bible study groups. I read the Bible from time to time. I will buy a book, follow a plan, and listen to a podcast about the Bible. If I am being real life, I just don’t really follow through. So while grasping for peace and comfort, I made a decision: Just open the Bible. Open it daily. Start at chapter 1. Read it. In order. That’s what I have done. I started in Matthew. I have worked my way through 2 books now. Every. Single. Morning. I say this prayer: “Lord, just tell me what I need to hear right now for this day.” He has not disappointed me yet.

So, I am cured, right? Life is rainbows and sunshine, right?

Absolutely not.

I think I felt that starting my day with Jesus would solve everything. I would find that missing piece and peace. I would fill that missing feeling inside. Well, I am here to report: kinda.

Child on the left: Me thinking I am doing all things right. Child on the right: BUT WHY ARE THINGS STILL HARD FOR ME?! 

However, I feel that when I am doing exactly what God wants me to do….. the enemy truly feels the need to attack HARDER.

Example: (or several. Real life, right?)

I have NEVER been on time, on schedule, word for word, hanging on to a group Bible study. Until now. I am working through a book with Coaches’ Wives. I am LOVING every page. I even went WAY WAY WAY out of my comfort zone and typed the questions to discuss and sent them out to the group. I was READY. I had notes and real life experiences to share. The time came to meet. I am on my way to the meeting. 2 miles from the group and Cart Cain starts projectile vomiting. Everywhere. I miss the study and have to turn around. Then bathe a child and clean a carseat and Yukon. I am reminded of the disappointment for 3 days when I open the door and I’m hit with vomit residue smell.

Thanks, enemy.

I am living my abosolute best teacher life ever. I am walking on clouds and touching rainbows in the sky I am so filled with happiness. Then the enemy attacks that with negativity and hurt.

This season is hard. Coach is frustrated and working harder than ever. We aren’t winning. But I am praying harder and love a program more than I ever have in my entire life.

Enemy attacks.

People are just real people and I find myself disappointed in them. I am just ehhhhhhhh…… that person is not really being what I thought they were. I find myself disappointed in people.

Enemy.

Parenting? Ha. I am thriving one second and then the next I am about to cry my eyes out because I am so sick of listening to complaining from a 9 year old and 3 year old. The day I hit 44 days of reading, I was having the BEST morning. Then Calla cried at 6:30am because I poured too much cereal and Cart cried because his favorite red jacket was dirty. I lost it. (I am also married to the most calm person on the planet and let me tell you…. when I am crying and they are crying and he is all like, “it is fineeeeeeeee” I cry louder than anyone.)

Enemy attacks again.

The difference? When these moments are piling up during the day, I find myself remembering the scripture that I wrote in my journal from this morning and the many mornings before. I find myself sharing what I read in the Bible with others. LET ME TELL YOU…. .this is SO NOT ME.

Reading daily has not kept me from experiencing the mid season meltdown. It just gives me to tools and comfort in knowing that God’s plan is glorious and always works out into the most beautiful season ever. The winning season.

If you are having a tough season, but calling all of the right plays…. go back to the playbook. Rewrite the game plan. It has been the game changer for me.

I Had a Hard Time

When I kicked off this corner of the field I promised myself that I was going to be 100% REAL LIFE. This could not be more real life. I am going to share something that I am not quite sure I have said out loud. I also don’t know that I have told anyone. (So it makes perfect sense that I share it on the World Wide Web, right?) Actually: while working up the courage to post this, I actually have said it out loud to see how it sounds. It doesn’t sound great. So hear me out.

I had a hard time last year.

I had a hard time being a teacher.

All of this was very internal. My doctor knew because I was struggling with a blood pressure issue (again.) I was checking the boxes of things you SHOULD be doing to be “healthy.” I was eating well. Exercising daily. Drinking water. I have a beautiful marriage and healthy family.We have two perfectly perfect children. We have amazing jobs that provide for us financially. We have more than enough food in our pantry. We both love our jobs, leaders, and would not change anything about our careers.We have friends that love us like family. We “go” to church. I am happy. I have nothing to change. All of that to say:

But still, I had a hard time.

Did anyone know? Maybe. I probably constantly looked frustrated. I walked around with constant to do list running through my brain. I was teaching a checklist. Did I smile at anyone? Did I help anyone? I was reading books and sprinting from one task to the next. I was a human checklist. I LOVED teaching. I KNEW I was teaching my heart out. I was showing up. I was working so hard. I would say daily: God made me a teacher and I am using that gift. I LOVED being a teacher. But….

I had a hard time.

Media is very negative about teaching. Some teachers are negative about teaching. Someone always has something to complain about. Someone always has a full plate and is exhausted and always more exhausted than you. It was draining me.

I had a hard time.

I gained around 12 pounds and for the life of me, I couldn’t get it off. My clothes didn’t feel good. I didn't feel good. I felt so puffy.

I had a hard time.

Then summer came and I knew that was just the medicine I needed to fix my internal struggle. I was going to have relaxing, slow mornings with my babies. I was going to have time to cook fancy meals and try so many new things. I was going to go for long runs in the evenings.

I had a hard time.

Camp drop offs and pick ups. Cart crying and fussing about wanting to go with Calla to camp. Me scheduling every single doctor’s appointment over the summer to catch up. Wait, if I make that appointment at that time, do I have childcare? Family being disappointed because we didn’t make many trips up to visit. Coach still working all summer. Children waking up and fussing and begging to go to the pool or waterpark. Cart begging me to sit with him on the couch for hours. Calla not wanting to clean her room. Me worrying if I am a good mom. Am I showing them enough attention? They are growing up too fast, that makes me sad. Me obsessing over my house to do list because IT IS SUMMER. WHEN ELSE DO I GET THINGS DONE?! Ew. Listen to me. Complaining.

I had a hard time.

Then the week before going back to school, I was REALLY having a hard time. It just so happened to be the Week of Prayer at Church. If I am being 100% REAL LIFE I don’t think I have ever truly written down a prayer request at church and had the guts to place it on the alter and ask for daily prayer over something in my life. In my mind: Carley, be for real. There are major issues in this world. People would look at your little problem and gladly swap. People have REAL HARD stuff that needs prayer and attention. Don’t waste people’s time.” When honestly, I was having a hard time.

So I wrote down two prayer requests. One for an awful sickness that is holding a tight grip on our family, and the other: I need help going back to school. I need it to be different this year. I can’t live another year like that. I also don’t know what to change because I am actually living every single dream I have ever had. I am a happy person. But, I am truly having a hard time.

I was having a hard time. I felt as if my head was about to burst. I felt like I was at mile 15 of a marathon. I felt like I was constantly running a half marathon in the rolling streets of Nashville without proper training. Without any training at all. (I have done all of this in real life in my 20s. I highly recommend none of that.) I was just…. exhausted. I was having a hard time. Even though life was beautiful. I had nothing but positive things to say about anything and everything: I was having a hard time. Still.

So during this week of prayer I was told: the Bible is a living document. When you open it, God will tell you exactly what He needs you to know. You just actually have to open it.

I was having a hard time.

But I was clinging to desperation. I started a new routine. “Show me what I need to hear today…”

Every morning when I would once mindlessly scroll the web: I leave my phone on the other side of the house and I pray. I open the Bible. I just read and write. This is going to sound blah blah blah to some. (Me a few years ago) But I honestly cannot explain the blanket of comfort that is over my heart. I cannot begin to explain the extreme reality of each chapter of Matthew that I have read over the last 11 days. I can’t explain the tears that have rolled down my face as I am on a walk with the dogs in the evening…. because this place is a level of comfort that I have never experienced. I don’t dread a work day. I don’t want to cry from the overwhelming list of things I need to get done. I don’t feel like I am going let people down. I don’t fear an incomplete checklist. I don’t worry who I impress or don’t.

I was having a hard time.

But now I’m not.

The peace that is in my classroom, I can’t explain. The LOVE I have for that room is back. The “Oh I can’t wait to tell the crew this!” has returned.

I’m not having a hard time.

I know the feeling of pressure will return. I know difficult seasons will be back. I know I will have a hard time.

But now I feel equipped.

I like to snap photos of specific moments and make captions for them in my phone. I like to look back and remember the moments and exactly how I felt at that moment so I never forget.

Today’s moment: Carley, you haven’t been this at peace in months. I just want everyone to know: I am not having a hard time.

Things I Would Never Do As A Coach’s Wife

It’s here. Really, really here. Games are on Fridays. Practices are long. It’s here. The real stuff. I see so many posts in our support groups saying: I am a new wife, what is some advice you have for me? We are a new coaching family. Who has the good advice?

This is season #17 for me. Here are some things I have learned over the long seasons and short years in this game.

1. I would never take advice from someone I wouldn’t switch places with.

   This is ALWAYS my #1 piece to share. I just wouldn’t.

2. I would never text another coach on the staff without my husband IN the text.

   I actually don’t text ANY male coworker/friend/ coach without Coach Cain or their wife in the chat. Listen, I am friends with some of the coaches. I adore them. I pray for them. I actually have to ask macro/ whoop/ exercise questions quite frequently to one of our dearest coach friends. I know Coach Cain does not want to hear about my macros. However, he does in that text.

3. I would never schedule anything on a Friday night.

   Even if the game is 200 miles away or I am not attending the game, I still wouldn’t schedule anything. I have set a pretty concrete foundation on that rule. Now it is just a known for us. People are not going to understand this, but that is OK.

4. I would never make super heavy plans on the weekend while in season without FULL communication with Coach.

   Listen, if UGA is playing…. I can’t promise anything other than I promise we will be AT the game, or watching the game. If Coach makes plans for us…. cool. I am NOT. Football season is 16 weeks long and as a GA fan, we count on it being that extra 6 weeks from December to January. This leaves me 34 weekends to plan and plan and expect Coach to be there with the happiest of hearts. I will give him the 22 weekends.

   IF something does come up that I need to attend, I ALWAYS book the babysitter on my own. 90% of the time I can say, “I have this happening at this time. The sitter is arriving at this time.” He will usually say: “Oh, I will be home by then.” 17 seasons has taught me to NOT assume he will be home at a given time. I won’t sit and stress about being late. I just make arrangements and move on. I like to prepare for the least amount of disagreements and frustrating moments. I set us up for as few possibilities to be angry as possible.

5. I won’t bash the coaching profession.

When you speak negatively and only complain about his job….. you are speaking negatively about what God made him to do. I feel like this has to be hard on a coach’s heart. I know that when I am trying my absolute best as a mother and giving my all… and someone has something bad to say about my children…. that HURTS. If I needed more time in my classroom and Coach complained about how long it took, I would start to feel huge guilt. If I need to spend some evenings on the computer working on small business things, and Coach complained about that… I would say, “HEY! Is all you do is complain?” Are we only complaining about his job? There is a fine line in a coach picking football OVER family necessities. I 20000% stand firm in my belief that family ALWAYS comes first. However, we are a football family. I don’t complain over the daily tasks. I also feel that this helps me when I DO have a concern, Coach knows it must be legit on my heart because he takes it seriously.

To be REAL LIFE: I have to check myself on this one daily. See, I am a type 3. I like for EVERY SINGLE minute to be as effective as possible. I DO NOT believe in time wasting. (Standing in line, traffic, down time, CAN’T.) So if I feel time is wasted, I start complaining. I have to watch this one.

I also won’t ever change up the Thursday dinner. Coach has to do that. I needed this to end at 5 and not 6. If we are winning, we don’t change the Thursday dinner. Even if I am sitting for an hour at Zaxbys. Again, less opportunities for anger in this house.

Praying you have a season full of wins! (Unless you play the Warhawks.)

Sleep

I don’t get much. However, I am a firm believer in my children getting enough sleep.

When Calla was a baby I was slightly over the top with her schedule. Coach was just as strict with her schedule as I was because our house needs sleep and structure. We both read a book and I had a resource that was literally in my hand at all times. We would turn down invites because our baby had to be on her schedule. Do I wish I was a little more easy going? Nope.

Then we had our second baby. He was NOT as scheduled as a tiny 3 pound baby Calla, but we did follow the same guidelines. However, at 3 days old I was nursing Cart at Calla’s two hour dance practice. We just had to kinda make it work.

All of that to say… At the end of the day: The Cains are big believers in sleep training.

Now that we have an 8 and 3 year old we do have more flexibility, but in all honesty: the base is still the same. We have routine and bedtimes and really thrive in structure. However, it’s really more for US.

Every night by 8pm, children are in the bed and we have 2 hours to do whatever the house needs. On the weekends we say it is date night and watch a show, or sit on the porch. During the week we can pick up the house, work on the small business, ride the Peloton, whatever. Because our children are sleeping. We can breathe, relax, and honestly: turn off our brain. I want my children to know I enjoy every moment with them: so they have to go to bed to give us a moment to breathe.

We also have the best conversations in our chairs in the morning while we have coffee. Coffee Chair Chats with Coach are for sure a highlight to any day. It is when we watch the news, Coach reads whatever online news source he reads daily, have my quiet time and just sit. We are BIG fans of waking up an hour or so before our children.

So we sleep train. Don’t hate me. We just need structure.

I made a post with Cart celebrating his “green” light when he got up yesterday. What’s this? Our favorite little machine to use.

Cart’s clock.

It is a night light/ sound machine/ and has a face that shows “bedtime” and “wakeup” time. He usually starts getting up around 630-650 each day. He will see the yellow light. Then he knows it is morning and not the middle of the night. Then at 7am the face wakes up and turns green. You set the times and sounds and all of the things based on your needs.

Before the dot com starts yelling at me: This does not keep them from waking up and yelling for us to come help them. They also still wake up in the middle of the night and come to our room. The light is a visual for them to know if it is still night, almost morning, or morning.

We travel with it. Cart loves it. Calla loves it. A great investment for littles from 2- 10.

Totally worth it.

Summary: winning seasons start with sleep training.

A Winning Season

I have a rule when someone is giving me advice: Never take advice from someone you wouldn’t swap places with. If you’re reading this: remember that.

Here is my resume: I have been a Coach’s wife for 13 years. This is our 17th season as a team, but the REAL stat that means the most: I have been a mother for 8 seasons. See, coaching life and coach’s wife life is the easiest when it is just you and coach. Sure, I was slightly lonely but if Coach was out coaching, and I was bored; I went and ran marathons. I went shopping. I went home to spend time with my family and friends. When we added to the roster, it wasn’t just me and Coach. We had other people depending on us. This is where the season stressing enters. However, on season 8, I think we won, I think I have the winning game plan.

Here is my play book:

1. If it bothers me: Coach knows it. I say it. If it bothers Coach: I know it. He will say it.

   It breaks my heart into a million pieces when I see coaching families struggling because something is bothering the wife, (usually time the coach spends away from home), and nothing is ever communicated about it. Honestly, this was us in some seasons. Now, nope. “Hey. I am finding myself jealous of your silent 15 minute commute to and from home. I have children with me ALLLLLL day. I need a moment of peace.” I said this one mid season. So we sat down and worked out a solution, Coach had to alter his schedule a bit to start helping with taking Cart to school.

   “Hey. I am not going to the UGA game this Saturday. I am exhausted. I can’t keep running like this.” So, we all missed a few UGA games last season, or Coach went with friends and we had a day at home.

I was also finding myself mad about morning practices. I was actually using it as a social media platform for a minute. Then one day (recently) Coach said: “It upsets me when I have to tell you about morning meetings and practices. I can’t change it. It makes it harder when you complain.” So….. ummmmm….. that hurt. But I stopped complaining.

I think the problem is not FOOTBALL or time Coach spends gone and away from home: It might be if we voice our opinion and feelings and nothing changes. I had to learn that this isn’t a coaching issue. This is a husband and wife issue and this needs to be addressed immediately. We have to correct this problem quick.

2. Coach wears an Apple Watch that has phone capability. Why did this help? BECAUSE IF I AM CALLING YOU…… YOU BETTER ANSWER. I don’t call to see how your day was. I HATE talking on the phone. I would NEVER call just to say HEY. No SIR. If I am calling you, pick up the phone ehhhh watch. I do not care if you are on the sideline of the state championship play and we are on the 3 yard line about to score to win it all. No. If I call…. answer. Something bigger than a championship is happening. (You have to know I fully 100% respect his coaching time and would never abuse this.)

I also may text: “Grab milk.” “I called in our dinner order. Pick it up on your way home.” There is ZERO guilt behind me needing to know I could call Coach IF I needed him.

3. Home cleaning service.

I will leave this at that. If our budget changed this would be the first thing I could cut. I know this. However, once we started using a cleaning service in our home, she became family. We love her. I am a better Coach’s wife and mother because this was taken off of my plate. I knew it was time to find some help when I was finding myself angry at coaching because house chores were falling behind.

4. Routine. Coach is coaching, but that does not excuse him from anything else. You still have to walk in the door and be 100% for the people in this house. We have a routine. I cook dinner, and he does the dishes. I give the children a bath, and he starts/ folds the laundry. We have an open line of communication that cleared this up when our first born arrived. I can’t do everything. We both like a clean house. We have to work together. You can’t preach “teamwork” on the field and not show it in your home.

5. Mama’s Moment. I hire a babysitter to come to my house once a week at 5pm. It is usually just for 2 hours. It allows me to do things I need to do child free. I am a small business owner and teacher as well. During the season I was feeling overwhelmed getting it all done. I was staying up until midnight each night and up at 4:30am. I just couldn’t keep up. So I hired help. It is amazing what those 2 hours do for my mental health. Honestly, in the season everything other than coaching takes a backseat. I started finding myself “wishing the season was over” and that is NOT how I want to live our life. So I had to hire help. (If you have family close, this would be the perfect grandparent evening activity.I bet they would LOVE to come do dinner/ bed routine once a week for you) We don’t, so our “Mar Mar” saves the day and my sanity.

6. One calendar. As soon as coach knows of a date or I know of something he CAN’T miss, we text each other and then put it on our calendar. Coach is the BEST at telling me things immediately after he hears them. Again, it took 17 seasons…. but here we are.

7. Date Nights. It is hard. There is literally NO time. But sometimes, we need a dinner reservation and a peaceful meal that doesn’t come from Chick-fil-a. Make the time.

8. Prayer. Y’all…… I live my best season when I am closest to my church family and friends and I am in my Bible daily. Sure I will have my mid-season meltdown. However, I found myself thriving 90% of the season last season because I was closer to Jesus than ever before. I promise, I will pray with you.

May your season be full of wins and your mid season meltdowns be small, friend!