I Had a Hard Time
When I kicked off this corner of the field I promised myself that I was going to be 100% REAL LIFE. This could not be more real life. I am going to share something that I am not quite sure I have said out loud. I also don’t know that I have told anyone. (So it makes perfect sense that I share it on the World Wide Web, right?) Actually: while working up the courage to post this, I actually have said it out loud to see how it sounds. It doesn’t sound great. So hear me out.
I had a hard time last year.
I had a hard time being a teacher.
All of this was very internal. My doctor knew because I was struggling with a blood pressure issue (again.) I was checking the boxes of things you SHOULD be doing to be “healthy.” I was eating well. Exercising daily. Drinking water. I have a beautiful marriage and healthy family.We have two perfectly perfect children. We have amazing jobs that provide for us financially. We have more than enough food in our pantry. We both love our jobs, leaders, and would not change anything about our careers.We have friends that love us like family. We “go” to church. I am happy. I have nothing to change. All of that to say:
But still, I had a hard time.
Did anyone know? Maybe. I probably constantly looked frustrated. I walked around with constant to do list running through my brain. I was teaching a checklist. Did I smile at anyone? Did I help anyone? I was reading books and sprinting from one task to the next. I was a human checklist. I LOVED teaching. I KNEW I was teaching my heart out. I was showing up. I was working so hard. I would say daily: God made me a teacher and I am using that gift. I LOVED being a teacher. But….
I had a hard time.
Media is very negative about teaching. Some teachers are negative about teaching. Someone always has something to complain about. Someone always has a full plate and is exhausted and always more exhausted than you. It was draining me.
I had a hard time.
I gained around 12 pounds and for the life of me, I couldn’t get it off. My clothes didn’t feel good. I didn't feel good. I felt so puffy.
I had a hard time.
Then summer came and I knew that was just the medicine I needed to fix my internal struggle. I was going to have relaxing, slow mornings with my babies. I was going to have time to cook fancy meals and try so many new things. I was going to go for long runs in the evenings.
I had a hard time.
Camp drop offs and pick ups. Cart crying and fussing about wanting to go with Calla to camp. Me scheduling every single doctor’s appointment over the summer to catch up. Wait, if I make that appointment at that time, do I have childcare? Family being disappointed because we didn’t make many trips up to visit. Coach still working all summer. Children waking up and fussing and begging to go to the pool or waterpark. Cart begging me to sit with him on the couch for hours. Calla not wanting to clean her room. Me worrying if I am a good mom. Am I showing them enough attention? They are growing up too fast, that makes me sad. Me obsessing over my house to do list because IT IS SUMMER. WHEN ELSE DO I GET THINGS DONE?! Ew. Listen to me. Complaining.
I had a hard time.
Then the week before going back to school, I was REALLY having a hard time. It just so happened to be the Week of Prayer at Church. If I am being 100% REAL LIFE I don’t think I have ever truly written down a prayer request at church and had the guts to place it on the alter and ask for daily prayer over something in my life. In my mind: Carley, be for real. There are major issues in this world. People would look at your little problem and gladly swap. People have REAL HARD stuff that needs prayer and attention. Don’t waste people’s time.” When honestly, I was having a hard time.
So I wrote down two prayer requests. One for an awful sickness that is holding a tight grip on our family, and the other: I need help going back to school. I need it to be different this year. I can’t live another year like that. I also don’t know what to change because I am actually living every single dream I have ever had. I am a happy person. But, I am truly having a hard time.
I was having a hard time. I felt as if my head was about to burst. I felt like I was at mile 15 of a marathon. I felt like I was constantly running a half marathon in the rolling streets of Nashville without proper training. Without any training at all. (I have done all of this in real life in my 20s. I highly recommend none of that.) I was just…. exhausted. I was having a hard time. Even though life was beautiful. I had nothing but positive things to say about anything and everything: I was having a hard time. Still.
So during this week of prayer I was told: the Bible is a living document. When you open it, God will tell you exactly what He needs you to know. You just actually have to open it.
I was having a hard time.
But I was clinging to desperation. I started a new routine. “Show me what I need to hear today…”
Every morning when I would once mindlessly scroll the web: I leave my phone on the other side of the house and I pray. I open the Bible. I just read and write. This is going to sound blah blah blah to some. (Me a few years ago) But I honestly cannot explain the blanket of comfort that is over my heart. I cannot begin to explain the extreme reality of each chapter of Matthew that I have read over the last 11 days. I can’t explain the tears that have rolled down my face as I am on a walk with the dogs in the evening…. because this place is a level of comfort that I have never experienced. I don’t dread a work day. I don’t want to cry from the overwhelming list of things I need to get done. I don’t feel like I am going let people down. I don’t fear an incomplete checklist. I don’t worry who I impress or don’t.
I was having a hard time.
But now I’m not.
The peace that is in my classroom, I can’t explain. The LOVE I have for that room is back. The “Oh I can’t wait to tell the crew this!” has returned.
I’m not having a hard time.
I know the feeling of pressure will return. I know difficult seasons will be back. I know I will have a hard time.
But now I feel equipped.
I like to snap photos of specific moments and make captions for them in my phone. I like to look back and remember the moments and exactly how I felt at that moment so I never forget.
Today’s moment: Carley, you haven’t been this at peace in months. I just want everyone to know: I am not having a hard time.
